Please Let the Coach, Coach
The post by Allistair McCaw
A kind reminder to all sports parents out there: “Please let the coach, coach.”
Allistair McCaw
One of the topics I touch on in my seminars for parents is about the importance of there only being one voice when instructions are being handed out.
Parents, when we go to our kids’ school play, do we ‘advise’ from the audience? No, we simply encourage and clap, right? We smile and we easily forgive mistakes. When we go to the doctor with our child, do we advise the medical specialist on what medication to give? No, that’s their expertise and field.
“A study showed that the worst memories and experiences in an athletes childhood was…the ride home after the game.”
So then why does it all of a sudden have to be different when it comes to their sport?
Maybe you played some sport in school, even college, heck even pro, but does that make you a coach?
Parents, please don’t instruct during a game or practice:
Your child is trying their best, trying to concentrate (as you suggested) amid the already added pressures of competing against another kid. Plus, more importantly, they are already under the instructions of what the coach asked of him or her.
A parent yelling out instructions hardly ever helps. More often than not, it confuses the child, adds pressure and goes against the coaches’ instruction, which undermines the player-coach relationship, the player-parent relationship and the parent-coach relationship.
Parent-Coach roles during competition simply explained:
Parent role: Encourage, support, clap.
Coach role: Motivate, support & coach.
One more thing, stop talking about it in the car too. A study showed that the worst memories and experiences in an athletes childhood was…the ride home after the game.
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AMEN!! This is absolutely true & wish parents would listen!!
i agree entirely. I think much of this may come down to the concept of payment equals entitlement. In Scotland there is a saying “he who pays the piper calls the tune”. I have seen a variation of this where the parent is a very good player and a qualified coach (but crucially not the child’s coach) and cannot shut up during matches even to the extent of negative comments about his child’s opponent during the match and ungracious audible comments after. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing very often. I also sense a vicariousness about many parents attitude to their child’s development – a chance to erase perhaps their own sense of childhood “failure” through their own offspring. This puts added pressure on a child who can sense there appears to be more to their parent’s reaction than just mild disappointment. This often results in frequent coach turnover as it’s always easier to blame the coach (sometimes with justification but rarely) than accept that your beloved child either simply isn’t good enough or, more frequently, just doesn’t want it enough.
No Parent can watch their child play a sport “Objectively” — impossible – Period — So if that is the case – don’t watch .. I could not watch my kids play any sport – period – I was a complete “IDIOT” .. All my kids play tennis today and are very good. it is more fun now , cause I hope they beat me — it’s always a great match ..
Opps ! They are all in their 40’s now and turned out great.. Thank GOD ! We still play together — Thank GOD again !
No child plays to loose. So dnt embarass him or her more by yelling
Agree 100% regarding let the coach coach. Having been in tennis my whole life, I have seen a full range of parental behaviors. Sadly, from what I have seen with an over involved parent is burnout and leaving the game early. Often, little Johhny doesn’t reach his potential. In my view, the number one ingredient that the greats have is passion. Talent without passion won’t deliver a top notch player. The parent is crucial to help instill and drive that passion for their player. Oh yes, the hated car ride home. I lived through many of those. Yuck it took the fun out of the experience. There is a place for feedback but please give some time and space
Great post! Really!
Can you show the name of the paper or, where can I find it? Please…looks really interesting. Thank you!
I am a tennis coach of a pretty successful program, and our parents are great, but every now and then the competitive and proud juices get flowing, and parental “Gosh I want my kid to do well” emotions and actions come through.
Best way to handle that is to talk to the coach(es) after the match, as sometimes the parents see things we do not, and it spurs improvement – and that is what we all want. Other times when the conversation happens after a match the tension has cleared a bit and maybe what seemed awful wasn’t as bad as it seemed.
Thanks for the article, and the thing that hit home the most to me was the “do not talk about it in the car” comment. Forget me as a coach…I have done that as a parent (my daughter plays volleyball) and I will definitely think twice about it moving forward. Excellent point and thank you for bringing it to my (and everyone else’s) attention.
I completely agree with the points but there is another related point here. Most coaches are quite bad themselves.. producing a tennis player who is also a champion in the long run is something most coaches in the US suck at. They are mostly focussed on generating revenue. I completely get that they also need to make a living and therefore for them it is more of a job (just like the job the parent has) but the sad consequence is that therefore from the point of view of the parent the feeling is that the coach is not interested in the ‘kid’ but only interested in going through ‘enough’ kids. So, I feel the ideal would be find a coach who is willing to commit and then have a parent who is knowledgable and is able to build a long term plan with the coach and also assist in the multi year process. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel behind every great tennis player there is always a dedicated parent but many coaches who have come and gone. Now I will also submit it is hard for a coach to commit because the coach has no way of knowing if a particular kid/parent will commit for the long term. As a tennis parent, I really struggle with figuring out the right balance because spending money only definitely does not produce results.