Why I Want My Kid to Lose in Tennis
Why I want my kid to lose in tennis
A couple of months ago, a fellow parent and I were sitting at a final in a 12U tennis tournament In Boca Raton, Florida. As the match started and was getting intense, and the two competing tennis parents were cheering for their loved one. Each obviously wanting their kid to win the match.
Then, as I saw one of the dad’s cheering and being completely immersed in the outcome of the match, I asked the dad a curve-ball question:
– Why do you want him to win? He learns less if he does, I said…
This threw the tennis dad off and said: well the points the trophy, winning etc. (nothing that matters much I thought) Then I said, if it were my student, I actually would like him to lose.
– Why would you want that? he said.
For one, if he loses , assuming a valiant effort, we will know exactly what areas of his tennis needs work, whether it’s the footwork, the follow through, the mental aspect or any combination of them, etc. Then, we would also know how much difference there actually is in the perceived skill and the needed skill to be winning higher level tournaments.
Also, I said, if he loses, and if the loss is properly focused, the kid will be more willing to learn and listen to avoid another loss. Probably even changing old bad patterns or habits. The feedback from a loss would make the coaches job easier.
None if this would happen with the level of attention needed if the boy had won. As all the attention would have been focused on the outcome and since it was positive, very little effort would have been placed on what needed to be documented to improve.
As parents and coaches, we focus on winning, and every weekend we can see countless matches in which it seems the only objective is to win. My take on tennis at this particular stage 12U, is that winning matters very little, and the sooner we focus on improving.
The sooner the actual real winning will occur. Unfortunately, we all fall trapped in the common belief that winning is better. Tennis is a tough sport to master, it takes time and an inordinate amount of dedication and feedback. There is no better feedback than losing, assuming its documented. Most likely if you win, one would probably disregard any documentation and lose valuable time in the process.
The parents would be happy, the coaches pleased and the kid confident. It seems better. My belief is that at this age, losing is more valuable than winning.
Next time your kid is in a tough tennis match and the outcome is yet to be determined, ask yourself: can you really teach him more if he wins than if he lost? Then, as you answer this question honestly, you will realize that maybe as a parent or coach, you were too focused on the outcome and not the process, and maybe a refocusing on the value of the process will occur and the kid will be better off even though he lost. Maybe.
I am sure we all have different opinions, in our case, our losses have become almost turning points in going to the next level, and my tennis experience has been that we are jumping levels very fast.
It is just a thought, that all..
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Thank you!!! I greatly appreciate these ideas as they are wise and true. As a ‘tennis mom’ I am ‘un-invested’ in my child’s ‘winning’ yet celebrate when she does win! Improving, gaining experience, supporting friends, and being a friend (she is 11) is true and pure. Sincerely. If things really get perverse for my child competing in USTA tournaments we will ease back, focus on surfing, and other sports and fun! Parents: Where are our egos that we need our children to win ‘so bad’?
When properly received and applied, we learn more from our loses than our wins. Novak Djokovic won the Italian Open against Nadal. I am sure Nadal and uncle Tony are learning a lot from yesterday’s defeat to try to win The French Open one more time. In 1990 Andres Gomez lost in the semifinals of the Italian Open against Thomas Muster who (Gomez) at the end won the tournament. Gomez used that lost to beat Muster (easily) in the semifinals of the French Open a few weeks later. If Gomez had won the that Italian Open semifinal, perhaps he would no have had the tools to win the French Open. I am not saying he have to lose to win the next tournament, I am saying when properly analyzed our loses, it would bring maturity to our game.
In the general approach of winning and losing I can really agree with your points of view. Improving should come always before winning!
In a documented lost there is more information for improving than in the same match that is won.
However in my approach of winning and losing there is no difference based on the outcome of the match. My kid never ever lose except when she would gave up! That has happen once several months ago and after we spoke, she agreed to never do that again.
My first and most important goal is to make clear to the young players that come to the tennis lessons, that winning is not the positive outcome of the match but the effort that is done to improve oneself, the courage that is undertaking to dare to make mistakes and to remember the mistakes so you can learn to avoid them!
Cu on the courts!
TOTALLY AGREE!! You will learn more from a match that you lost than from a match that you won. THAT IS JUST A FACT.
Winning is everything – to the kid maybe, but for many, failure is the foundation for success. Four years ago Brian Gottfried told me I can’t wait to see your kid lose a match so I know what to work on. That’s the coaches job.
I don’t care if my kid wins or loses as long as he competes. If your kid loves to play but doesn’t compete in a match (whines, negative behavior, etc…), will you pull him from the next tournament? Most parents won’t in fear that the ranking may drop or the kid will quit the game. Be a tough parent and work with the coach to lay down the law. There’s always another tournament to play.
I understand the intent and purpose of the concept and am not in disagreement. However we do not know if this young junior and parent at the beginning had actually put in a lot of time improving parts of the junior’s game and might finally be realizing the fruits of his/her labor. Be careful also that we don’t advocate a 15 match “learning” streak. Remember we learn from our losses and can gain confidence from our wins. A healthy balance is required.
Great point! Playing up is as detrimental to player development as playing down.
I meant “it can be”
Good point. However, you should not use losing as a learning curve. If your child is losing in matches which they should be winning, then there is a bigger problem then just a learning experience. Understandable that there will always be a better player out there, if the child exrecise their best effort with quality playing skills. Then that could be a learning experience.
Hi everyone,
I am currently coaching in the uK and I have noticed, many years ago, that none of the junior players I see in tournaments seem to have a good time.
I have a good time when I play tennis. I smile when I play great shots and I also smile when I miss shots ’cause I know why I made that mistake, I surely know!
As my late father (ex pro player used to say, “do as I say, don’t do as I do). He also taught me to have a good time, and I damned had a good time! Well sometimes it was a bit too obvious and it looked like I was taking the p….!
Coaches, you guys out there are doing a great job in the coaching area but you are forgetting that your kids should have fun on the court! Teach them that Tennis is a great sport and that they’re lucky to be good at it and to be playing it.
Yes you wan to win that match, but when you lose you actually ask yourself more questions and your coach ha more to say than when you have won.
C’mon kiddo, have fun, smile on the court, enjoy our great sport.
Coaches, if you want to get in touch with me and talk about this article just contact me; I hop you like it and if you don’t I’ll be happy to discuss with you.
Fabrice