What Happens When the Tennis Parent Wants ‘It’ More than the Kid?

The post by Allistair McCaw

Great coaches and leaders know how to motivate their athletes, but that is of no use if the athlete themselves are not intrinsically motivated.

Intrinsic motivation refers to motivation that comes from inside an individual rather than from any external or outside reward. The motivation comes from the pleasure one gets from the task itself or from the sense of satisfaction in completing or even working on a task.

It’s easy for an athlete to say she wants to be a professional, or one day win a grand slam championship. However, It’s much harder for her to say she wants the struggle, hours upon hours of mundane repetition, and the challenge.

In my job as a sports performance coach, I come across kids who attend practices religiously week in and the week out, sometimes almost robotically, but don’t share the same aspirations and dreams of their overzealous parent or parents. Simply put: The tennis parent wants it more than the child.

To be successful in anything, you need to have a passion for what you do and then have the GRIT, in other words, you need to deeply love what you do, and are able to embrace struggle and take challenges head-on. The athlete has a path he or she must walk, and it’s my job as a coach to help him or her get there.

It’s also my job to motivate that athlete, but the one thing I or the tennis parent cannot give is the intrinsic motivation of that individual or kid. That inner fire and desire have to come from within. One thing I want to know when I start with an athlete or child is, what is their ”it”? What is “it’ they play for? What is the true reason they partake in the sport they do? I want to know what their motivation is. That for me is the most important question I can ask a child or athlete.

Unfortunately, and in a lot of cases with kids, that “it” is simply to please the parent.

Another thing I like to do is ask the kid what their main goals were for playing the sport, then I separately ask the parent what their’s are for their child, and my findings a lot of the times is that they don’t align.

The parent/s wants their child to be a professional tennis player or maybe get into a top college. The child on the other hand just simply wants to play with their friends and have fun.

Parents need to remember that it’s not about them. Heck, not every kid wants to be a professional, have you thought of that? And we need to respect that choice.

Now, on the other hand, one thing that is common in athletes who have made it to the top in sport, is that they have had a supportive and ‘super invested’ parent or parents. They have invested time, money, and effort. But the love and passion to succeed always come from the child.

The biggest ‘outside’ influence in a child’s sporting success comes from their upbringing (mindset, emotional care/love) environment (training and people), and coaching (quality instruction).

Yes, we all want the best for our kids, but without them being able to choose their sport, the reason they play it, or what level that may be, you will have a child that feels pressure not just to perform, but to continually please.

Happiness and success come from the pleasure to chose. If the child is the one who’s pushing for it and loving it more and more every day, then great – you have done/doing a good job – well-done dad and mom! But pushy parents who want it more than their kids, eventually push them out of the sport.

The role of the tennis parent is to support (emotionally), facilitate (financially), and help grow the love of the game for that child, not to push them. Unfortunately, I’ve seen the ‘push out’ scenario on too many an occasion.

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